dangatorium:

Questionnaire: Does Your Sociopathic Boyfriend Really Love You?

By Bill Dixon

This SUPER FUN Trendy Teen Magazine Survey will answer the most important question in your life, ever: Does your (allegedly) abusive and sociopathic boyfriend really love you?

Your parents (What a drag!) and the police (Lame) have claimed that he does not love and is a very dangerous person! But what do they know?! Adults = snooozzzze!

So grab a pen and let’s go!

1. Your boyfriend checks your Facebook and sees that you are tagged in a photo with your totally platonic friend, Brent. In the photo, Brent has his hand on your shoulder. Your boyfriend says:

  • A: “Who’s that guy, Brent? I like his hat!”
  • B: “Who’s that guy, Brent? I don’t like his hat.”
  • C: “Who’s that guy, Brent? I hope he’s getting blow jobs from you because lord knows I’m not?”
  • D: “Who’s that dead guy, Brent, and where the fuck does he live! DON’T FUCKING TOUCH ME!”

2. You and your man get in a stupid fight over a simple misunderstanding on Facebook and he storms out of the house leaving you curled up in the fetal position crying in your bedroom. You decide to be the bigger person and text him “I love you” and he texts back:

  • A: I’m sorry, girl. I was totally out of line, I love you so much. I’ll come back if you want.
  • B: I’m sorry, girl. I was totally out of line, I just need some time to cool off. Text you tomorrow.
  • C: I’m sorry you’re upset but this is your fault. I’ll text you tomorrow. If you want to send me pics of your tits, that would be cool too.
  • D: If you tell anyone I was at your house tonight, I’ll burn your house down. Keep your mouth shut if you know what is good for you. I’m always watching.

3. You go to school the day after the fight and there is a rumor going around school that your friend Brent’s house has burned down. Apparently, Brent’s family got out in time but no one knows where Brent is. You mention this with concern to your boyfriend when you see him in the hallway between classes. Your boyfriend…

  • A: Grabs you, gives you a big hug and whispers in your ear, “Everything will be alright, no matter what. After school, we’ll organize some people and see what we can do to help.”
  • B: Grabs you, gives you a big hug and whispers in your ear, “I’m sorry, that must be tough. I’m here for you.”
  • C: Grabs you, gives you a big hug and whispers in your ear, “That blows. I need to take a dump before class.”
  • D: Grabs you, gives you a big hug and whispers in your ear… just heavy breathing- no words. He continues to hold you. The hallway starts to clear. You try to struggle out of his grip but you are trapped in a cocoon of flesh, muscle and bone. He tightens his grip around you. You can’t breath. You smell gasoline on his skin. He whispers, “You’re mine, now. Forever.”

4. The authorities quickly determine that the fire at Brent’s home was an act of arson and after locker raids in your high school, the police find Brent’s hat in your boyfriend’s locker. The police have cornered your boyfriend holding Brent hostage in the baseball dugout behind the high school. The rain is heavy as the police take you to the baseball field. Your boyfriend won’t let Brent go until he can talk to you. 

At the baseball field there are a dozen cops cars and two dozen cops, rain soaked and ducked behind their cars pointing their guns toward the dugout. The rain comes down harder now. You can make out the two figures in the dugout. Brent is naked and bleeding, wrapped in duct tape. Your boyfriend holding a pistol.

The officer hands you a bullhorn and you plead for your boyfriend to let Brent go. Then…

  • A: Your boyfriend screams back, “I found him! There was an armed struggle with this sociopath and I bested him and took his gun! The only thing that gave me the power to overcome is my love for you!” Brent is nodding his bloody head in agreement and everyone cheers.
  • B: Your boyfriend screams back, “I found him! There was an armed struggle with this sociopath but I bested him and took his gun! Pretty cool, right?” Brett is nodding his bloody head in agreement and everyone cheers.
  • C: Your boyfriend screams back, “I found him! But then I duct taped him and beat the shit out of him! The gun is just something I carry around to impress chicks!” Brent is nodding his bloody head in agreement and everyone cheers.
  • D: Your boyfriend screams back, “I found him! There was an armed struggle with this sociopath and I bested him and took his gun! The only thing that gave me the power to overcome was my love for you!” Brent is shaking his bloody head in disagreement. Your boyfriend raises the gun and the police fire.

5. Brent and your boyfriend, although injured, survive the ordeal. Brent is safely returned to his family. And your boyfriend…

  • A: Is granted the key to the city for his courageous actions and in his acceptance speech in front of City Hall, thanks you for giving him the strength to persevere.
  • B: Is granted the key to the city for his courageous actions and in his acceptance speech in front of City Hall, he thanks Jesus Christ.
  • C: Is granted the key to the city for his courageous actions and in his acceptance speech in front of City Hall, he thanks his new girlfriend Natia and announces that MTV is making a reality TV show where women compete to win his hand in marriage. The show will be called Teen Hero.
  • D: Your boyfriend is admitted to the hospital and disappears. The cops are still looking for him. One day, you receive a copy of Trendy Teen Magazine. You wonder, “What the fuck is Trendy Teen Magazine?” You open the magazine and find a suspicious questionnaire that tells a story you are all too familiar with. You realize your boyfriend figured out that generating a fake magazine was the only way to contact you since the FBI is watching the house and checking the mail. Your realize your boyfriend still watches you fall asleep. Your boyfriend thinks if you ever leave him, or show this magazine to the cops, he will make sure you pay for it. Maybe the Teen Celebrity Spottings on pg. 94 are actually pictures of your parents with your baby brother at the supermarket.

If you answered mostly A: Then fuck you.

If you answered mostly B: Then fuck you.

If you answered mostly C: Then fuck you.

If you answered mostly D: Then you still love me. I know you love me. I’ll make you love me. Forever and ever and ever and ever.